Confessions of a Caffeine Addict

2007-12-26T23:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I had a very busy Christmas holiday. I didn't go back to Minneapolis, since mom & her boyfriend planed to drive down to Pheonix on Christmas day and Troy, Tracy & their kids are going to Jamaica. It wouldn't make sense for me to go back to somewhere cold when they all going somewhere warm. Stay in town and spend it with friends has always work out well. Except I can only handle so many Christmas party. I'm so Christmas out by today...

I went to three Chirstmas Party, one was the weekend before Christmas, one on Christmas eve, and I spent Christmas day with my friend Michael & Hazel and her family.

My mom called me early Xmas morning while I was still sleeping, and hangover from the party before. She said they had a good Christmas Eve dinner back in Minneapolis, and she & Richard left early Christmas morning as planned. At the time she called, they were already crossing Iowa. She always forget that there's a two hours time difference. So her late morning is like torturous early morning for me in Pacific Standard Time.

Hazel's has a large extended family, they invite me to their Xmas day party every year, I didn't make it last year, so I make sure I made it this year. I like an honorary filipino for one day .

I've over ate, over stuffed from the holiday season, I went straight back to the gym today, hoping to burn off as mcuh calories as I could. to make my self less guilty. The news that dominate the headline was the tiger mauling in SF Zoo. My deepest sympathy to the family who loss a son at what suppose be the most cheerful day of the year. And may the other two wounded victim find their strength to recover.

2007-12-17T21:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I had an uber busy weekend. I had the department party at work, so we went bowling.

Saturday evening was Daniel's birthday, I had to drive into the city, stuck in traffic for over an hour, and spend another 25 mins to find parking in Nob hill. All this for the birthday boy. Needless to say, he had another very gourmet birthday as usual, roughly 25+ people in his Nob hill apartment. I was probably the only person who brought the very non gourmet food, pie from Nation's .

My Sunday was completely packed. Fully packed. The Sunday service was longer than usual, due to two bapitism, follow by 8 confirmation. Afterward, there was a celebration for the 8 young adults who had the confirmation sacrament. So by the time when I finally gtt home and relax for a bit, I had to get my ass moving again to head to the gym. I've fully recovered from my leg injury as well as the tendonitis that I aquired during thanksgiving. Going to the gym is no longer painful. Afterward, I had barely enough time to go hom and get change, check my e-mail before I head out on the road again the holiday party at Ryan's place in Sunnyvale. It took about an hour each way to drive down, but it was all worth it. Everyone was in festive mood, Mike, Tiff, Laurie & I already had too mcuh to eat at Daniel's birthday the night before, were there binge eating again. Daniel of course, greeted me at the party "No time no see" (yeah, like than 18 hours ago). Wines & hard eggnog kept me fairly sedated through out the party. We played cranium after white elephant gift exhcange. By the time party ended and when I got home, it was passed midnight already. This is one of the disavantage of been fully mobile, I no longer have excuse not to go to a party. Now my social obligations filled my calendar again, no longer have time just to stay home and chill, but already always running from place to place. I feel like I need another vacation, to run away from all my friends and social obligations, just to lye on the beach and relax without need to be on schedule. A day without schedule, that sounds really nice!!!

2007-11-24T12:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I just got back to bay area after went back home in Minnesota for the thanksgiving holiday. I've been hosting thankgiving dinner with friends here the past four years. Since most of my families members are extremely concerned about my recovery after both of my legs were borken in May, I went home to make them feel a sense of comfort. So they don't get overly worry about me.
It nice wonderful to be with my family.

The Thanksgiving meal is uber feastive as usual, mom was up in the early morning baking carrot bread, walnut bread, date bread, stuffing, dressing. (while I was still sleeping, bothered by the kitchen noise, and try to adjust from the Pacific time to Central time). We went over to Troy's house since got his house adding in 3 new rooms, the house is now 50% larger than it was. More space to acommodate every than mom's place. I get to meet Jeff's new wife, who's a FBI agent that actually had worked on the bombing case of my company. We were all admiring the ceiling work Troy made for his place during the past summer. Pretty much all the families members were there. Though, not grandma Hoover. I still miss her presence during the holiday.

Taylor was waiting at door when we arrive for thankgiving meal. I used to babysit her when she was 3. She's gotten so big now, and she'll be in middleschool in 2 years.

Whenever I told people I grow up mostly in Minneapolis, they'll ask "Isn't it cold there?" I'll respond "No, it's just freezing".

That was the thermometer reading on the day of thanksgiving. Daytime were in the 20s, night time in the 10s. Windchill bring it down even further. While it was sunny and warm in the 60s in San Francisco, I was freezing my ass out in the midwest. The trip back to San Francisco was even longer. I had to be at the airport at 9:30 in the morning for 11am flight, transfered in Portland, then to bay area. However, the flight to Portland was very scenic. The pilot gave a commentary of the yellowstone when we cross over it. And the plane's altitutude was very low and very close to Mt. Hood, practically right outside the window. But one irony, I was in Portland with Rob for his firend's wedding in just 8 months earlier, we had an argument. Now I'm in Portland again, but I'm now single. I kind of wish he was still here with me. But I also know well enough that he's happier now. Anyhow, I'm happy that my friends were able to get together and had a potluck when I was out of town, since the job of roasting turkey and hosting the thanksiving dinner duty has fallen on my shoulder the past 4 years. But I'm also glad that my family have seen me, and is no longer too worry about my legs. One thing for certain as well, I'm becoming more and more Californian than Minnesotan each year. Once I got back to San Francisco, I was so happy to see sun again. And I don't need my parka, just long sleeve shirt. You just gotta love the weather we have here.

2007-11-08T16:42:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary,

The past month has been an eventful month. As I have regain my mobility, so is my social life... I returned to work, and had a fairly productive month. I've gone back to the gym. I've been busy every weekend. Castro Street Fair one weekend, apple picking with Laurie, Aaron & Hazel up in Sonoma another weekend, Halloween party the last weekend of Oct, and Le Bal Des Vampires the weekend just passed.
We celebrated the birthday of Mike, Laurie & Helen the past weekend, and they decided to drag us to attend Le Bal Des Vampires, despite the Halloween party the weekend before. I'm costume party out for a while. Here's a pic from the ball. In case if you wonder why my eyes looked so weird, it's because of a pair of vampires contact lenses from Gothika.

People seem to get into the mood of Halloween earlier than usual this year. My physical therapist told me she went to a costume party two weekend prior to Halloween. Although there was no official Halloween in Castro, just about everyon was in costume as I drove to Rico's Halloween party--as a Crusader.

(These photos are courtesy of Rico)
For someone who can barely walk, I was already dancing at the party (thanks to alcohol). I have indeed ressume practically all activities now, even still with screws & metals in my legs. I'm so happy that I'll have the operation tommorrow to remove all these metals and screws, so I'll be 100% human again. Although I have full mobility now, but I still get too much attention when I walked down the street, people can't help but stare at my "bionic legs" Once these metals come out tommorrow, my legs will look normal as before. Just about every one refered to me as the Bionic Man because of the metals rod and screws on my legs, and just about every other stranger can't help but ask me "what happened", I'm so tired of answer these question. I also try to remember not to be too active, so I don't break my legs again. My orthpedic surgeon specifically told me "no ski this winter". I wonder how well would I be able to fight off the temptation. And obvious no windsurf until next March. This recovery has been quite a long and painful fight, but the end is finally here. I wonder how many people will missed the cyborg me.

2007-10-15T19:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

The bridge with a name that means opportunity and new life back in last century, a bridge that captivates our eyes, a bridge that most of us who reside in bay area hold so dear, is also one of the largest cemetary in on the surface of this planet earth.

I had a joint birthday party with two of my close friends 3 weeks ago, many of people in our close social circle were present to celebrate the event. Which include someone, who I know, but not as well as I would like to. He is a dear friend to many of my close friends, and I had the chance of meeting him from time to time. It was nice that he dropped by and celebrated the event. While having dinner with friends last night, I learned that he took the plunge from Golden Gate 2 days after our party. It was a shooking news, it was a disturbing news, it was a devastating news. I dreamed about him last night, as he jumped and fall off the bridge, then I see myself, fell off from a fortress as I did in May to the ground. The irony and paradox of the two events interwrind in an erie bizzard way. Except the bridge claimed his life, while I'm still standing.

A statistic shown that there's a jumper plunge from Golden Gate in an average of every 15 days. A landmark that is the heart and soul of the 7.8 million residents here is also the largest grave in the westcoast. The recurring of dream of him took that plunge kept me in a state of between awake and asleep all night. A life so full of promise, yet was gone at such early age, from a beauty that defined this city, in such tragic way.....

2007-09-29T19:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

My two closest friends were married yesterday, it was a wonderful ceremony. I was invited to do one of the Seven Blessing, not in Hebrew, just in English. It was such a joyful day, I though, but life has surprises that hit you hard when you are most unexpected.

One memorable line from Under the Tuscan Sun is in my head all day, when Dian Lane decribed about what's it's like after her husband left her. "It doesn't actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. It should." "it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know. The light just never went on, you know. I must have known, of course, but I was too scared to see the truth. Then fear just makes you so stupid."---Frances from 'Under the Tuscan Sun'

Yes, it is the irony of life. Cherishing your beloved friends in the midst of your own grief. Haunted by the memories pieces of the past almost two years. But like the song Nicole Kidman sang in 'Mouline Rouge', "The show must go on".....

I'm starting to wonder which is worse? The physical pain or the emotional pain. It's a very good question. I might be too numb to feel anything at the moment. I no longer know the life I have. Life is no longer the same, in more than one way than the other...

2007-09-11T19:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

My bone breakage site started to became tender to touch late last week (my physical therapist touched it the day early during doing my progress report). That night, I noticed lots of pus coming out from one of the nail site. I called my orthopedic surgeon the next day and he told me to go in right away. So I did. He ordered the X-ray, exam the site and told me that I got bone infection . So he put me on antibiotics for a week. Yesterday I returned for follow up appointment. I recall he told me to take Vicodine before the appointment and I did. At the appointment, he said he want to check if the nail is loss, and it is. He said then he shoudl take it out and started pulling the nail straight out of my leg. "Holy Mary, Mother of Jesus" I screamed out loud in my head (and I'm not even Catholics, hahaha). I though I was gonna faint. I still can't believe he just pull one nail out of my leg without anesthesia or giving me morphine injection. So I walked with limp all day yesterday (on crutches, how much limpier can I possibly get?)
I'll update the picture of that gruesome nail and my hole in the leg. Obviously not for faint hearted. I started watching HDTV programs on my 47'' LCD TV, and it gives me headache. I look forward to the Bionic Woman in HD, I feel like I can relate to her. Woke up from the srugery and look down to my legs and screamed and in shock. What has become of me.

2007-09-03T20:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I had another operation last month, to remove the implants inside my ankles. I started the physical therapy, and after 3 months in wheelchair, I started relearn how to walk with a rollator (walker with wheel). Living life in wheelchair is a undescribable nightmare... For the first time I have a real appreciation for the disable people. Even when I had brunch with Laurie, all the handicapped spots were mostly taken. There are not enough handicapped parkings in the city!!!

After I made my transition to walking with walker, the joy of standing on my own two fee was simply... Amazing!!! I walk every day to improve my walking, it was awfully painful at first, and my legs could not support me for more than 2 minutes. Then I practice how to walk every day, and my physical therapist push me fairly hard to get me back on my two feet. There were countless nights where my legs was just too painful to sleep at night, and I tried not to depend on Vicodine, Codeine & Tramadol. Three weeks after walking with walker, finally, I felt the time is right and made my first attempt to walk hand free.

It was very difficult, my constantly felt my legs were gonna collapse on me. Each step feels like eternity, but I made it, a few steps with support...

This weekend I went back to the sailing club, it was nice to be greeted by familar faces. After absent from the water for a summer, I'm aiming to be back on the water by next summer. At least weather been co-operate early this year, and I was able to windsurf twice a week during March and April. As I was watching other windsurfers go out, I tell myself that I better relearn how to walk before I can relearn how to windsurf. Now, my first few steps of walking without support, I can almost feel water beneath me and wind blowing right along me again.

2007-07-12T13:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

My second month as a handicapped, life on wheelchair seems to be getting harder and harder. I don't know how I would survive without the support of friends, who tirelessly come to visit me, cheering me up on weekends, taking me out. BF has offered his help to do my laundry, thought I don't see much of him now. I think dealing with a handicapped is too much for anyone.

Wheeling around the apartment were never easy, attempt to stand has been nothing but failure. Awaking days are long, sleepless nights are even longer. I feel like my life has coming to an end. I really don't know what to do...

It's amazing how time like this would revive my faith more so than ever, an inspiration that keeps me going. As I listen to U2's 'If God will send his angels' I said to myself, "only if..." then i said to myslef "but he won't".

I want to yell, I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to laugh.... But most importantly, I want to walk again, I want to be out on the water again... Now, dream is the only place where my wishes can come true, life as I knew it before I'm crippled...

2007-07-03T13:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

The past two months has been too much. I finally returned to the states two weeks ago, after 1 1/2 months in Europe of which includes a month in the hospital. It was a long and painful month during hospitalization, I loss hope, I loss faith, I loss all that I believed and cared. Night after night I dreamed about been able to walk again. Only wake up to be confronted by reality.

On Saturday, 6 of my close friends came to visit me and took me out, it was nice to be under the sun, to smell the sea breeze, the life I once had... Every day I looked out the window to the sunny sky, it's the brightest month of year, yet the physically darkest time of my life.
Tramadol, Vicodine, Codeine are what's keeping me from feeling like hell. So I'm psychologically there already. I looked into mirror, and asked myself, who is this freak. I can't do half of things I used to do. I sleep 11-12 hours per day. Every day I hope I would wake up from this nightmare... But every morning I wake up back into nightmare.

I'm starting to wonder if I would ever be able to walk again... I'm having doubt about what doctors say. Maybe I'm bonded on wheelchair for life, I'm a wreck, I'm handicapped, I'm crippled both physically & emotionally. I can't even wheel out of my own apartment. Now, the only place where I can stand, and walk and run again, is in my dream. I'm starting to wonder if being unconscious would be much better than being awake...

2007-05-29T12:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I'm in pain, lying on a hospital bed. And I've been so the past week. A while again I was still still crossing the Balkan. While, days leading up to the day that leave me handicapped were actually nice, and pleasant without warning.

So I crossed Croatia back to Montenegro, I made my stop at the seaside town of Herzig Novi. It has nice square, lovely coast, warm water. What else would I ask for more?

One of the most stunning backdrop in the Montenegro coast was bay of Kotor. The stari grad of Kotor is best explore by, just getting lost in it.

The bus driver took the express ferry to cross the bay, into Budva, the most popular town on the coast. Charming old town, beautiful white sand, no wonder. I did a parasailing in along the coast of Budva, unfortunately the parasailing video was 45 minutes long and too large for youtube.

From Budva, I pass through Stari-Stevi, arrive at Bar for my next leg of journey.

At Bar, I ran into a Canadian couple & an Australian girl Jennifer, who I luckily share a 6 people sleeper cabin on the over night train with just two of us, instead with random crazy creepy old men (unfortunately there was one creepy guy who keep walking by our sleeper cabin and looked in our window). The scenic train train ride through Lake Skardar.

She was onward onto her journey to Sofia, Bulgaria. While I was going to re gather my self for a day before either head to Sofia Bulgaria or Sarajevo, Bosnia. As the story go, it didn't quite happened that way. I'm now immobile, suffer greatly, and hoping for morphine that the doctor won't give me. When I woke up from that 3 hours operation, the first thing came into my mind was "there goes the rest of my windsurf season".

2007-05-14T08:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

The journey into Pristina, Kosovo was quite tough, but the journey out of Kosovo was even more difficult. Croatia is my first stop, which requires an overnight bus from Kosovo to Podgorica, Montenegro. It was a bus half full bus as I boarded in Pristina, but soon, the bus is picking up more and more passengers, soon, it was completely full with 5 people standing. The bus went through western region of Kosovo included the town of Peja. The western region is very much like a wasteland, empty and undeveloped. The bus is hot despise the cold night time temperature out. Everyone on the bus speak Albanian, except me. Which put me unease and thinking what the hell am I doing here. I guarded my passport like gold, knowing that's the only thing that will get me out Kosovo.

The bus made 3 stops on the way for bathroom break, needless to say it was a journey without sleep. We crossed the border into Albanian mountain, narrow wingding road make my head spin. Crossing into Albania wasn't complicated, since people in Kosovo are of Albanian ethnic. Albania is the only country that recognize Kosovo as an independent sovereign nation. The road only gets more and more wingding as we approach Montenegro. At the border of Montenegro, the border control took most passengers' national ID since people in Kosovo do not have passport due to the fact that it's not independent state. A few passengers are of Macedonian citizen carry Macedonian passport. Fifteen minutes later, most passenger starting to get uncomfortable and nervous, the passenger who sat next to me by the name of Ricky, told me Montenegro police at the border tend to give Albanian hard time. He get very unease. Finally, the border police returned with our documents and let us enter Montenegro. Another 4 hours of narrow wingding road. Some people without seat sleep on the center ailes between seats on the bus. I in the last row, caught between two large passengers on the left, and two drunk passengers on the right, felt no blood circulation to my feet. Overall the Albanian passengers were fairly friendly toward me, an alien passenger who can't communicate. Hours of wingding road gives me headache and sleep deprivation. Finally, I arrived at Podgorica, Montenegro at 3am. I get out the bus, every everything closed and in the dark. Frighten and and hoping no one rob me. A taxi went by and I grabbed it, took and hour ride to the coastal town of bar. I arrived at Bar an hour later and waited two hours before the sun came out and the bus station open. Catch the inter city bus to the western Montenegro town of Hercig Novi, another 4 hours of coastal mountain wingding road. But I was so exhausted and I was able to fall asleep. Coastal Montenegro is stunningly beautiful and the drive is a lot like Big Sur. At Hercig Novi, I get the international bus across the Croatian border to Dubrovnik. As my second week in Balkan, I've picked up quite a couple Serbo-Bosni-Croatian phrases, so when I greeted the border police in Croatia, he was surprised and been especially friendly toward me. On the bus I met the first American I've ran into on this trip, Paul, a freelance journalist who did some work during the Yugoslav Wars. He recommended me a place to stay in Dubrovnik. He been to Dubrovnik numerous time and just get back visiting his girlfriend in Montenegro. He currently reside in Berlin. His recommendation has turn out to be excellent, an apartment on the hill with great view of the old town, with own bathroom and kitchen. The owner of the place was also wonderfully friendly. Almost like hitting a jackpot.

Dubrovnik old town is a spectacular amazingly beautiful city on the Mediterranean. "Crown Jewel of Adriatic" is not enough to describe its beauty. I was breathless when I first saw it, I was speechless the first two hours of my visit. Paris, Venice, Florence have all disappointed me. Vienna's weather absolutely sucks. But then there's a small town on the Mediterranean coast that captivated me, so far the most mesmerizing European city I've seen.

The town square has the grandeur of Venetian architecture, the small alleys have the charm of Florentine & Roman street, the almighty fortress seat against the sea give it a Greco-Aegean feel. Getting lost in a city has never been more alluring, and the fortress wall walk offer the detail of this city.

The weather has been very hot sine my arrival in Balkan, Dalmatian coast provide a bit of sea breeze to relieve the heat, people soak in the Mediterranean water to escape the scourging sun. Dubrovnik is indeed a paradise on earth.

2007-05-12T02:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I arrived at Skoje, Macedonia Yesterday. It was been an exhausting trip. The long bus ride and an hour at crossing the Serbia-Macedonia border. I'm a only western tourist on the entire bus, stood out among all the other Serbia and Macedonia passengers. After my arrival, there were some travelers at Skopje internal bus station, majority of them in transit to Istanbul. I ran into a kiwi (new zealander) who started out his journey in Norway, he just passed through Hungary, Romania and Bulgaria to Macedonia. As I told him I am heading to Pristina, he asked if I was mad. Apparently there was some demonstration in Pristina and some people were killed. That's comforting to hear, I said to myself.

I stayed in a noisy hotel in the old town of Skopje, in the middle of mosques, stores, cafes and bazar market. The old town is hard to navigate and confusing. It was close Karmen Most (bridge that connects old and new town). Mosques and Islamic architecture everywhere, offer a different culture than what I generally see.

A medieval fortress, dominate the top of the old town cityscape, offers a great view of the city beneath.

This morning, I boarded the bus into Pristina, Kosovo. The bus ride last two hours, and through the UMNIK (United Nation Mission In Kosovo) patrolled border. Majority of traveler's are Albanians and Macedonian citizens of Albanian background. Except one passenger, a girl who's hold's the UNMIK passport (UN personnell) and me. Kosovo has beautiful landscape, and it is hot, hotter than Serbia and Macedonia. (I brough so many jackets for the trip, but so far everyday is like a hot summer day in California). An Albanian Macedonian recognized my passport from a far and started the conversation with me. Thrill to find someone who speak English, I find it a relieve in this foreign land. Xhame, who used to work for the US military in Macedonia, has recently graduated from high school, and been admitted to US for college. He volunteered to be my guide in Pristina, thoughr different parts of the city of Pristina. He also do most talking in taxi and purchase. Because people would give me 'American Discount', charging me twice or three times the regular price. Since he speaks Albanian, it avoided the overcharging from people. He also show me a good hotel to stay where he previously refer to an US personnel to stay.

The city of Pristina seem like an ordinary city, but the outer town are clearly underdeveloped. I found majority of Albanian here friendly, and one of the main street is Bill Klinton (yes, our former president, but spelled differently). Most stores sells basic goods. Pretty sight Pristina is not. And it is still been developing by the UN. Xhame, the young Albanian who volunteered to guide me, told me not to go out on the street pass 7pm. Apparently robbery, theft & violence is very common after dusk.

The street are all newly built, unless other Balkan cities, Pristina do not have 'old town' or any historical building, since majority of them were destroyed during the Yugoslav Wars period. Albanians here want autonomy, self governance. The UN vehicles and personnel are seen everywhere through out the city. But majority of them stay in Skopje instead due to the civil unrest here. Which made the hotels in Skopje Macedonia outrageously expensive. After here, I'll try to go to Dubrovnik, but first, I need to figured out how...

2007-05-10T02:57:00.000-07:00

May 10th, 20007

Dear Diary,
I arrived in Southern Serbia lfew days ago, I'm totally jetlaged and disoriented. The flight was like a plane from the 60s that has not been update since. Dirty, lots of broken parts and bumpy. The airport reminded me of the municipal airport like the one Chico. They only have one flight once a few days. It's less than a quater the sized of a typical train station in other European city. I have trouble pullling myself out of bed this morning and I have even more trouble getting out to see the small town I stayed at. Air is so poluted, cars are old lookings as crappy looking, as if they are from the junkyard. Most builing are old and dirty, some part of this town still have wreckage of the NATO bombing of '99. Apparently it was the target of the air raid back then. Streets are in really bad shape, worst I've seen a while. Large polulation are young people, who don't seem to be working or in school. They said the employeement rate is extremely high in this region. Yet young people still dress in pretty clothes and drinking out at open air bars and cafe in town center, which is extremely crowded like union square for 4 blocks radius area. Rest of town feels very empty. I've been feeling sick this afternoon, I want vomit and my head is spinning. I just lie in bed with no energy to get up. Food here has been total disaster. It's so bad, it's worse than eastern europe. Especially for vegetarian. I can't seem to find a place that have meat free items. Finally found some vegetarian stuffs, a block of overly salted yucky cheese w/ overly baked potatoes. Fresh produce is almost none existing. Most vegetable are from the cans. But the weather has been surprisingly warm, short-sleeve weather. Some sun and some cloud during the day time. Lots and lots of soldiers walking around everywhere. The heavy presence of military is a bit unease.

The TV has cable, with more than half of program in English. In face, less than 10 our of 40 channels are in Serbian. Other channel includes a Latin American channel, Italian channel, two other Spanish channels. Ironically, I have trouble finding anyone that speaks English. Bizzard. I would think they'll know how to speak the language from watching Discovery, Animal planet, National Geographic & MTV channels. I'm about 55 miles from Prishtina, the largest town in Kosovo region. However, finding transportation there presents a different challenge. Nis is also 75 miles away from Sofia, Bulgaria. The nearest US embassy is Serbia is 3 hours away in Belgrade.

After been disoriented for days, I had another obstacle, getting the registration with police for travel. As I mentioned, this place is very weird, travelers do not have the freedom to go as they wish. And I need to register with police. The past two days I had delayed response from the local authority, so it takes forever to get my paper to leave. Finally I'm set to leave, I have another issue, there's is direct transportation to Pristina, the capital of Kosovo region. There is a cab driver he said he will bring me to the border of Kosovo region, but he can't enter Kosovo and I have to figure out how to get to Pristina from the border. Two travel agents think I'm crazy and said there's no way I can enter Kosovo from here. So change of plan, I'll try to enter Croatia first, them to Bosnia. Because the guide book said there's over night bus from Sarajevo to Pristina. However, I read a traveler's experience that the over bus to Sarajevo was a nightmare, and he though he is going to have his passport confisticated by the border guard for profit. When I took cab, drivers just assume I'm a journalist. Apparently only journalist come to this area. I think after my arrival here, that's when the reality check occurs. This place is still not a free democracy. I miss California and I miss land of the free already .

2007-05-08T01:53:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary,

On Saturday early morning, I made my first leg of journey. Rob sent me to the airport before our close to 3 weeks apart.While checking into AA flight connecting in JFK New York, I recognized a face from the TV. A man of 6'4'' in baseball cap escorted by two guys walked by me. First though came to my mind, he looks a lot like Conan O'Brien. He has been doing his show in San Francisco the past week. Could it really be him? When I board my flight, walked through the first class passengers. Sure enough that same familiar face was seating in first class without the cap. It certainly was him. Wow, I'm on the same flight as Mr O'Brien, how fun. I thoght to myself.

On the flight, a Swiss gril sat next to me. When the flighte attendant came and asked if I ordered vegetarian meal, I confirmed with her. The Swiss girl turn to the attendant and asked, do you have one for me too? The attendant checked her last name and told her no. She spoke with a uncertain voice "what am I going to eat?", and the flight attendant simply said "sorry, there's nothing I can do". I felt bad for her not getting any real food, and offer half of mine. But she was prepared and brough her own food. She told me she had enough 'horrible American food'. She said during her trip to New York, she had some of the worst foode possible. Her journey wasn't a pleasant one. I told her California is very vegetarian friendly, people are nicer and the food is much better. She mentioned she has a friend in San Francisco, and her friend worked for a good vegetarian place, and braged about the wonderful food we have in our beloved city.

The flight landed before 7am in the morning, as I had no plan about my times in Zurich, she recommended me to go to a vegetarian place in Stadelhofen. So I did, jumped onto the the S Bahn to where she recommended. Except it was pouring, yeah, the Swiss weather that I remembered. Second times in Switzerland, the same cold and rainy weather. But soon, the rain gives way to the Sun. It was pleasant, lush green and I walked along the lake front.

Wonderful country as I also remembered. In fact, I was right where I should be, the center of old town. That girl's recommendation has proved to be as good as it get, get me to exactly where I want to be.

some swiss' doing taichi in the park

My journey to the Balkan is however, a different story. While waiting for the flight to a Serbian city near Kosovo, I was the only person in the waiting lounge. "Am I in the right gate?" I asked myself. An hour later, finally, 8 more passengers showed up, made a total 9. Oh dear, this doesn't look good. I said to myself. AS the time for departure arrived, the airport front desk announced the flight been delayed for "2 Hours". OMG, this is ridiculous. I can't help but think Balkan is truely is war zone, no man's land. This journey won't be an easy one.

2007-03-29T12:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Two Fridays ago, I had my final widom tooth pulled. Two years ago, my oral surgeon tried to remove all 4 teeth, but he only removed 3. The fourth one was too deep into the bone, lying on top of the nerve. He told me he would need to break my jaw to get that tooth out. I returned 6 months later, he looked at the x-ray, and didn't think the time was right. So I returned over a year later only found he has retired, the new oral surgeon is eager to pull it out. He told me upfront the risk of infection leaving it in is almost 100%. The risk of nerve damage and post surgery infection is also very high. If I do loose nerve function after the surgery, the likelyhood of become permenant is 99%. But it's better than getting a systemic nerve infection that can spread to central nervous sytem if it stay, on top of the nerve. How fun, I though to myself.

I had IV for general anesthesia, when I woke up from anesthesia, I wasn't able to walk straight. They gave me Valium before the surgery, just like the eye operation in January. Afterward, I had hiccup so bad that last until the next day. I couldn't sleep at night because of the hiccup. The third day of the surgery, Rob and I went to a piano recital, my face swallen like a balloon. So I was on a week of Pennicilin V and Vicadin after the surgery. But I only felt more weak and sick after the antiobiotic course, then my primary physician said I have viral infection due to weakened immune system after surgery, and I've been on anti-viral medication for almost a week. The first evening evening, things to be normal, I was chopping spinach, grounding walnut, making Couscous, Spanakopita and Baklava. But that night, it gave em so much ach through my entire body, I was so painful that I couldn't sleep. The second day, after taken the second dose, I can feel the irritation of my nerves through out my entire body. I went wine tasting in Sonoma to celebrate Tiff's b-day. But after the first winery, I was orientated, nauseated, extremely dizzy and weak. Most likely the consumption of alcohol interact with the drug. I went along to 3 more wineries, though I could barely walk and stoped wine tasting. My body started to recover and back to normal by the evening, so I could join them for dinner.

But yeah, it was a huge toll on my body. And today, I'm driving up to Portland with Rob for his friend's wedding. 10 hours drive doesn't sound fun...

2007-03-01T19:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

My laptop has been in repair for almost two weeks, due to a hard drive failure. It's almost maddening, since it's only 7 months old. During these two weeks, I uses my cell phone which on Window Mobile with Internet Explorer Mobile to access internet and e-mail. It's really hard to spend time online with a 3 inches touch screen instead of a 15.4 inches screen and touch pad. It was extremely slow loading pages like myspace or youtube, and I felt like my eyes were going blind reading long wiki article for more than 3 minutes on a tiny screen. As more and more smart phones, iPhone, and iPhone killers rolling out, I just can't imagine people are actually spending more time online through these devices with tiny screens. So bad for you eyes...

The one months post-op check up has confirm on thing; I eye sight has gotten worse than right after the surgery, and I still have near sightedness and astigmatism. Damn, I was hoping I'll never need glasses again.

I went up to Tahoe with friends the past weekend. My ski season started late this year due to the surgery. We rented the same house we did the past two years. A 4 bedrooms, 4 baths, over 2000 square feet house in south shore at the end of the street by a forest. Spent three consecutive nights in the hot tub sure was relaxing. Like all previous weekend trips, we cooked together all three nights. We carpooled in 2 cars instead of taking all 5 cars to Kirkwood on Saturday, it was very powdery after the snow from Thursday and early Friday. The traffic to the entrance and the parking took 50 minutes, but it was all worth the effort. I got separated from everyone else early on when I took a different split of the trail. But few hours later I ran into Jason, Amy & Tiff while coming down the run from Solitude Express. We took different route to the back mountain, and Tiff got separated from us due the deep powdery snow she couldn't get through. The trail got even more powdery, Jason and Amy got stuck while I kept going. So I waited at the bottom of the trail, but they never came out. So I took Cornice Express up to the summit where I ran into Tiff again. So we did a complete run from the summit all the way down to the lodge. The long steep slope from the summit looks more like a cliff than a slope, that run was a good cardio, it worked me up a sweat.

After we get back to the house on Sat late afternoon/evening, Jason, Amy, Aryelet and Alan and I went straight to the into the jacuzzi. Ryan, Veda, Frank, Tiff and Mike were in another car, did not get back to the house until 1 1/2 hour later. Turned out They had trouble meeting up and Frank's BMW X5 went into the ditch for a few minutes. lol. We cooked a big feast since we were starving, afterward, more jacuzzi, and board game. And it started to snow heavy that night. We woke up the next day with Amy's homemade blue berry pancake and Tiff's scramble eggs. Sunday morning, it was still snowing, and windy. But that didn't stop Frank and Alan from going to hit the slope for a second day, while Ryan and Veda also plan to leave and get back to bay area. They spent 2 hours on cleaned out the car and shoveled the drive way, finally left the house. Half an hour later, Ryan and Veda rang the bell. We though they were on the way home already, but it turned out hey closed Hwy 50 for Avalanche control. They said Frank & Alan also turned back since they couldn't go to Sierra. An hour later, two hours later, no sign of Frank and Alan. Sudden, Alan walked in. "What took you so long to get back?" we asked, "Frank's car is in the ditch. I need help to dig him and his car our of the snow". Oh great, another disaster. Alan went to the drive way and started his car to warm up while we get change, and ready to head out. Then he realized that he had locked himself out of his car while running, which is in the drive way, blocking Amy's, Tiff's and Ryan's car. So there's no way for us to get another car to get to Frank, and Alan's car is draining up the gas. We called AAA numerous times, but it's always busy. We called several local locksmiths, finally reached one. The locksmith say he would be here in an hour or two. So we can do nothing but wait. Then Frank showed up, we were over joyed. We asked how he get his car out of the ditch, he said that two friendly Mexican guys saw him in the ditch, helped and dig his car out, and push him back on to the road. It's in the worst weather, that you see the best of people. So the locksmith eventually showed up hours later to unlock Alan's car before it used up all the gas. That afternoon, we walked out the house for an intense snow fight, then went out to the back forest snow shoeing for about an hours, followed by 2 hours more of shoveling drive way before the academy award started. That night, Alan made us calzones from scratch for dinner, more jacuzzi, and more board games. Monday morning, we got a knock on the door by the snow patrol to let us know that Hwy 50 is now open. But local schools are closed due to the snow storm. It was still snowing heavily, it's been snowing non stop since Saturday night. So we began the process of putting chains on each car leave the house in hurry, then stuck in the slow traffic through Hwy 50. The weather was terrible, visibility was low. It felt like forever to get down to the mountain, only found heavy rain in place of heavy snow the rest of way back. An hour after I got home, I watched the evening news and learned that Hwy 50 and I-80 were once again closed.

It was a shame we only get to ski for a day, and got snow in latter two days. But I realized it could be worse, we could get stuck up in Tahoe another day if we didn't made it down during that time gap when CalTran opened the road for a small amount of time. We could be trapped in the house, running of the food, and running out of toilet paper. Ew...

As I was writing this blog, I felt a minor shake. Was it an earthquake? I guess I'll find out on the news tonight.

2007-02-16T11:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Well, the most significant day of the week was Wendesday.

Needless to say, it was the V-day.

On top of that, I also got Rob gift certificates to the SPA close to our apartments on Solano Ave. We had dinner at a sushi place on Market St, which was overly decorated with heart-shaped hangings through out and all the wait staffs wore big twinkling hear-shaped necklaces. It was valentines overdone, lol. And the place was so packed and busy with people out for v-day dinner. While last year we had dinner at the 2nd floor Thai place on Castro St, which had no special Valentines decoration. But the Thai place last year was much more quite, much less crowded and secluded (surprisingly for a v-day evening), and felt much, much more intimate. I actually enjoyed the atmosphere more at that place last year.

So Rob bought a new car over the superbowl weekend, after he wrecked his old car. He's totally excited because it's his first brand new car and the dealer got him a really a good rate for financing the car. His enthusiasm reminded me when I bought my Jeep, which was brand new factory ordered through the dealership. The first car I bought with my own credit, custome to my likeness includes the interior and exterior colors, and the car dealer also got me really good rate for a 20 years old with no parent co-sign. My insurance premium back then was already amazing good compared to other people my age. After a Cavaliar and a Probe, I wanted something totally not for functional purpose, solely recreational, lol. Surprisingly I still have spotless driving record consider how often others complaind about my driving, hopefully I'll keep it that way. Mmm, perhaps it's time for a new wheel for me as well, though my Jeep has been super reliable and never have any issue.

Emma also bought a new Subaru two months ago, after she turned 25 when her insurance rate became reasonable. She got a it from a dealership in LA and drove it back to SF. Her insurance rate is still twice as high as mine, go figure. And another co-woker of mine also got a new Acura with navigation. This no one around me is going green yet.

Mike, Tiff, Laurie, Aaron, Ryan, Veda, Rob and I went on to a hornblower brunch cruise around the bay two weeks ago. The weather was surprisingly nice, and it felt so refreshing on the bay. Except we follow it with eating more stuffs at the ferry building afterward. The past weekend has been windy, some windsurfer and kitesurfer were out on water already. I wish I could go out, but doctor told me I can not go into water at least a month after the surgery. I developed water envy while watching them, lol. Once my cornea is completely healed, marina is the first place I'm heading to.

2007-01-22T18:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

For the first time I can remember, I can see the wolrd with my naked eyes!!! It feels good.

I've been asking optometrists about LASIK surgery during my annual eye exam in the past 6 years. Couple years ago, there was concern that my eye pressure was high, the following, there was concern about rapid corneal thinning and possibly keratosis. Then there was concern my vision is fluatuate. Finally this year, she told me I can consider the procedure since my eyes seems to be doing good and my vision has been stable, more or less the same in the past three annual exams. Yeah!!!

I've been living with myopia since First grade. Yes, first grade in elementary school. Ouch. And I've been wearing contact lenses since I was 11, due to the physical activities I involve, glasses just won't allow me to live my life. For anyone who wear Toric Lenses, one would know how annoying it is. Unlike regular contact lenses, toric contacts has a mark that point to a particular direction, whenever the lense rotate in your eyes, your vision blur. My astigmatism is so bad, my toric lenses are custom ordered. It takes up to two months each year from the date of order for my special custom order to arrive. On one particular year, I went to a different optometrist for annual exam and have her order the contacts for me, she was like "Are you sure they make these, I can't find them in any of the manufacturer catalog!".

Toric lenses are blur more than 40% of times due to eye movement, and water sport with toric lenses is a pain. Sailing, scuba, and my passion-windsurf are especially bad. As a windsurfer, majority of my navigational skill came from body sensation, feeling the wave, feeling the wind force. Why? Because my toric contacts are blur 80% of time when I'm out on water, with water splash, with wind drys up my contacts. It's has been a pain to windsurf when I can't see anything beside distinguish light and color.

So, full of enthusiasm, I went to UC Berkeley School of Optometry for consultation exam. Only came out feeling defeated after two hours of exam. Because I was told my cornea is too thin and my prescription is too high, it's unsafe for them to perform it. I inquire UCSF about the procedure as well, gotten the same response. "Why??? Why am I so genetically curse!!!" Then my optometrist refer me to Dr Turner, a well known ophthalmologist specialized in the technique of 'thin-flap' LASIK. A flap of 60-90 micron instead of the regular 180 micron flap, allow him to operate on patient like me with thin cornea and high prescription. The consultation appointment was quite interesting. Among the 5 patients patients in waiting room, I was the only one under age 60. One patient slipped and fell right at the entrance to the clinic "Oh my god, people who come here are really blind" I said to myself. So they checked my contacts, prescription, my glasses prescription, and all the exams that includes corneal mapping and ultra sound measurement of cornea thickness. Off course they do realized that when ask me if I can read the top line of the vision chart, I can't. After I put on my glasses, I can. The big, giant letter E on the top of vision chart equivalent to 20/800 vision, is something I can not see. There's no doubt there's a question if I'm an operable patient for LASIK for someone with vision somewhere between 20/1000 to 20/2000. Finally, Dr Turner walked in, told me the same thing Berkeley and UCSF already had, my cornea is abnormally thin and my prescription is way too high. But operable. What a relieve and joyful thing to hear "But", he continued, "I'm not that comfortable to do LASIK on you, I would recommend implant". Visian implants, something been approved by FDA since Dec. 2005. At the consultation appointment in Nov, that thing has only been approved for 11 months. I'm not gonna be a guinea pig for something that only been approved for less than a year, and I definitely don't want an implant inside my eyeballs for the next 50, or 60 years. Ewwww, the thoughts of that us just horrible. I insists that I wan LASIK, not Visian implant. So he agree to operate on me.

Preparing for surgery includes stop wearing contacts two weeks prior to the surgery date. I'm so not use to wearing glasses everyday, especially when going to gym. Wearing glasses to the gym and run on the thread mill is so...annoying, well, "it's only two weeks" I said to myself. The use of antibiotics and lubricant a week before the surgery wasn't so bad. And finally, my surgery day.

Friday, Jan 19th. I've been waiting for this day for so long. My surgery start out with another set of exam. Follow by my favorite part--Valium!!! I can live on that thing alone, lol. More eye drops for sedation, cleaning, antibiotics purposes followed. I was lead to the operating table, given a stuffed animal monkey to hold during the operation. my eyes get clamped open, then Dr Turner said "you'll feel a bit of pressure". what followed next was one of the worse pain I ever experience. I and feel while watching my eye get sliced open. Then the pain disappeared within few seconds. But that few seconds sure felt like eternity. So I watched my corneal flap picked open, then laser light shine, then flap back on. Done. Now to the left eye, I was trembling, thinking about the unbearable pain I just experienced in my right eye, but surprising, no pain this time. Probably there was enough, or enough time for the sedative to set in. The same thing all over again, then done. After the surgery, I was exam for the closure of flap, put on a eye mask, then released. For the next 3 hours, the extreme burning sensation on my eyes prevent my from opening them. The burning sensation was horrible, as if someone was holding a lighter torching my eyes, then that burning sensation went away. I took the prescription sleeping pill once I got home and went to sleep. Woke up, took a second sleep pill from the surgeon and went back to sleep. The next morning, Rob picked me up to my one day post check up appointment. He saw me, and laugh. I looked into the mirror and realized the eye mask that protect my eyes, looks like a hybrid of what Jason wear in 'Friday the 13', and what Dr Hannibal Lector wear. After he parked, as I walked to the optometry office, I can see people gave me that "Halloween was back in October, you freak" kind of stare. I was so embarrassed walking on the street with my 'Dr Hannibal Lector' eye mask. lol. Anyhow, my optometrist told me I can take off the mask, exam my eyes, and then told me "one of your eye is already at 20/20" , and I was like "SHUT-UP". I would be perfectly happy with 20/40 outcome, 20/20 is something that I have never dreamed of. wow. Anyhow. So I continued with the use of four different eye drop, an oral capsule for the next two months. And I'm jus so amazed at my vision now. Today, Monday the 22nd, 3 days after surgery. I can even sit here blog about this experience, which allow me to see the world clear with my naked eye, something I've not been able to do since since age 6. It's amazing.

2007-01-07T22:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
2007 is here!!! OMG, time go by fast. Rico throw a great NYE party.

I wish I did not need to drive home, so I could drink more... I picked Rob up from the airport that morning, so he was too jetlag to go the party. On the 2nd day of New Year, he had his surgery to fix up the his knees. 3 big holes on each knee.

I had dinner with Mike, Tiff, Jason, Amy & Frank last night at Zazuerla, a tapas place on Union St where parking was a nightmare. After almost half an hour of circling, a car pull out its spot so I took his---uh, illegal spot. I was more than 15 minutes late, but it turned out I was the first one to arrived, because everyone else had more trouble finding parking. Frank was last to came in, after 45 minutes of searching for parking. Tiff said the previous time when she was in that neighborhood for a party, she spent over an hour for parking, by the end she was all dizzy and confused after countless circling.

The beginning of a new year!!! I still trying to figure out what are my resolution. I don't seem able to think of any...lol

2006-12-26T21:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
Ti's Xmas... I've been so busy that I haven't made an entry in a month!!!
Lots of things went on this month, there was a joint birthday party for Bill, Ayelette , Frank & Paul (Bill's twin) early this month. There was the holiday party at work, I went to the holiday party of Rob's company which was at One Market, Daniel's birthday, and last, every body's favorite holiday.

Like previous years since 2002, I stayed in town instead of go back to Minnesota. Celebrated with close friend. Laurie volunteer to cook the holiday dinner this year, which is nice for a change, instead at a restaurant. I think we've had holiday dinner in the past at Butterfly, Beach Chalet, Cozmo a small restaraunt near beach chalet (the only thing that was open in the area) that I can't remember the name.

Michael once again has the honor of hosting the Christmas, I opted to skip the Christmas eve evening service since I also did the liturgy for the christmas eve morning service, and went straight to the party. Lot's of wine and spirits, lots of Hannukkah joke, instead of saying "Merry Christmas and happy Hannukkah", the phrase "Merry Christnukkah" seem to be a better and shoter way for season's greeting.

We ended up playing Taboo after the dinner. And needless to say, the more we drink, the more fun the game became... People's answers for the clues get more and more racy, next thing you know Herpes, penguines with chlamydia all came up in the taboo game. I think that means we are a bit too twist minded...

My mom was happy with the gift card I got her, and family back home are enjoying the most our of their xmas out of the cruel minnesotan winter. If the midwest winter is more mild, and the airfare is more reasonable, I would have go home for the holiday. I think I'm too spoiled by the California weather, shame on me.

2006-11-29T00:42:00.000-08:00

Dear diary,

The past three weeks has so soooo busy. B/f was out country for a week in amsterdam, so I had to go to his apartment to feed the cats every morning and every night. Though about just bring the cats to my apartment instead, make feeding them much more convenient. But then I don't think I can deal with them when I wanna alone at home.

I attended Bill's funeral, who's life cut too short. A brilliant person care so much about social justice met an unjust tragic end. Over 150 attended the service. I only wish his soul rests in peace...

The weekend before thankgving was Jason and Amy's wedding.

It was a nice ceremony and lovely reception. I'm so happy for them.

Rob and I hosted thanksiving at his apartment, last year was at mine apartment and I realized my place may not be be big enough to accomendate everyone. The turkey came out well cooked, but falls apart when we try to move it due to the facts it's too tender and juicy.

The Saturday after we've recovered from thanksgiving. Michael, Hazel, Mike, Tiff, Laurie, Rob and I went wine tasting at El Dorado Hills, an undiscover wine county specialized in mountain grapes. It was very fun.

I've finally found a surgeon who's willing to do LASIK on me. Though he said he's not very comfortable to do so. Well, better than UC Berkeley School of Optometry, who filtered me out as not a candidate for LASIK. Can't wait to get rid of my contacts.

2006-11-09T01:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

To make a politcal statement, my costume for Halloween this year was...c the pic.

Due to my intoxication level that night, I decided not to publish the pics...

Each year this time, we celebrated the birthday of the scorpios among my close group of friend. This year, my bf is introduced to my friends, and they decided to include him in the celebration. So Laurie decided to throw a feast...a delightful dinner for the four scorpio borthday boys and girls.

It was a wonderful dinner...with 13 of us. Besid the fact that my friend Helen and I went to the same college ( she was class of '99, I was class of '00), her bf Gary turn out was born in the same hospital in Connecticut as my bf, Rob. And Rob and Helen were born 8 hours apart, one at late night, one at next early morning.

The next day, 11 of us went up to Sonoma for wine tasting, continue the b-day celebration. I did Napa for Tiff's b-day in March. We did the tour at the first winery we visited, which was a biodynamic organic winery.

We had picnic at the second winery. But it was the wine in the third winery that was really enjoyable. Afterward, I took Rob to Osmosis spa as his surprise birthday gift (like he took me to SPA vitale on my b-day), he though the ipod soundock speaker i gave him was all he's getting for present. The treatment includes tea ceremony at their Japanese tea gaeden, cedar enzyme bath and a 75 minutes massage. So relaxing...

Above pics are from the Osmosis site, which is pretty descriptive of the treatment we recieved. Highly recomended!!! Rob liked Osmosis better than Vitale, while I feel the other way around.

So I casted my vote yesterday, like most frustrated American about where the country is going. And the result came out last nite, put a big smile on most people's faces. THE GREAT DEMOCRATIC VICTORY or so press called it. Well, for my congressional district, there's only the demorat candidate, and the libetarian one. MY district don't even has a Republican candidate:P I do feel positive about Rumsfield resigned, a female speaker of the house and a democrat control congress. Overall, one part controll all three branches of goverment put our democracy in question, and look at where we are now. Bad decision 2002 and 2004!!!

2006-11-06T23:55:00.000-08:00

What it means to be connects with someone?

I get to spend Friday night at home, alone, for the first time in quite a while, just relax, took a hot bath, have a few glasses of Cabernet. It’s surprising how social obligation and relationship schedule could take away so much simple enjoyment away from life. Read a bit, and watched a DVD that I’ve never get around to.
Do you ever look back in your life and wonder about a particular person, whom you felt connected, but the life experience just let you walked away???

In 1994, while going to school in New Zealand, a film called Before Sunrise was a hit that affects me so much. The relationship of two random strangers met in an accidental occasion, but felt so deeply connected. They parted as the time up without any leaving any contact information… As most of us have the experience wonder about the one that get away… It reminded me of an engineering student I met at a Halloween weekend party two years ago, who came across my mind from time to time. I was talking to him the whole time at the party, because I felt comfortable around him, just down right comfortable. The entire passed by, as I was leaving the party, so was him. I felt so deeply sadden to depart, wanted to say a formal goodbye, but couldn’t bring myself to do so. I’ve always been so bad at saying goodbye. When my live-in ex moved to Japan in early 2002, I couldn’t get myself to the airport to say goodbye, nor did he wanted me to. He said if I do, he would never be able to turn he head get on that plane. Same thing again, I couldn’t say goodbye, so I left in a hurry. Never get to said goodbye, or exchange contact information. I was afraid, afraid to hit it off with anyone. I ended a haunting relationship earlier that years, I was in an emotional state where I was more confused and lost than found. Two years later, after another Halloween weekend, parties went on as usual. Then I saw the sequel, senario of meeting the one that get away nine years later…

Time change, people change, circumstances change. I noticed Hawke has aged quite a bit in the sequel, he now looks like complete slob, quite different from the dazzling young teen idol he once was. So did Delpy, but she aged more gracefully than he did. In the film, they met again while one is in a relationship, the other married and have kid. Their life experience has took them to different places, shaped them into different people than the two they once were. Maturity come with life experience. Wonder how different life might have been if they continued to get to know each other? What will happen if you have the chance with the one that get away? I have to ask myself the same…

It’s always easier to fall in love when you were young, naïve and innocent plays a big role in trust. I see most people been in long term relationships met before their mid 20s. I can recall I was able to give 110% in a relationship when I was 18, 19. Wreckage from the experience has scared me from giving so much of my heart, become more and more num each time. I noticed most people who are single still in their 30s, has been single since late 20s. If you are not able to share a bed with someone on daily basis, around them 7 days a week by your late teen, early twenties, it became extremely difficult for you to get use to a life of co-dependence in your late twenties, and thirties. And I do see people like that remain single in their 40s and 50s. In & out of short un-develop relationships. And it scared me if I become one of them.

But it also scared me to connects with people that seem wonderful at one given time, but more you get to know them, more faults and more disappointment came. And if you do have a given chance with the one that get away, neither one of you would be the same person. For time has already changed both people.

"It's better to be lonely, alone by yourself, than be lonely with someone lying right next to you"---Celine

Relationship from my view, has a multi-factors influence. You need to meet the right person, at the right time, right place and circumstance. Sometime you meet the right person, and you said to yourself, I can really spend the rest of my life with him/she. But you may be in the process of relocating, or still rebound from a previous disaster. And IT just won’t take off. In contrary, some people seem so opposite of each other, like my friends Haim and Slaton, been going on for 8 years. Sometime you just need to be in the righ time and the right place… Isn’t life ironic?

I looked at my picture from 2002, I looks almost identical as I was in 2004. I can hardly tell the difference between 2004 and 2006 picture of myself after staring for 5 minutes. But I can tell the obvious difference between 2002 and 2006. Aging process do happened on daily basis. When I see others’ profile, lots of people has aged so much in just 12 months period. Just like in the film Julie Delpy said “we are only going downhill after 20”. I felt the same way too. I remember back in 1999 in college, one of my good friend from high school told me once he turn 21, it was like magic. His sex drive drop so much, that he’s not horny all the time. I experienced the same thing. By about 3 years ago in 2003 it happened almost overnight where I stoped thinking about sex all the time, I can sudden focus on work, focus on sailing training and windsurfing. Planning long term life goals. I thought it was a much better stage of life where I can think more clear. Little do I know it was the signal of biological aging, decaying process… I see many people has aged twice just from 19 to 21. While for some, the cruelty of aging doesn’t take toll until 23 or 24.

How different life would be if you did not get go of someone you felt so deeply connected? “I still think about you a month before my wedding, while my friend was driving me to the wedding, I saw someone and I thought it was you” Ethan Hawke’s character told Julie Delpy nine years after they met again. What do you do if someone stuck in your head all these time? Life is ironic isn’t it. As people age, they look for ‘life companion’ in their spouse, rather than the word ‘passion’ or ‘spark’. And many relationship failed because ‘the spark is no longer there’. You share a moment with someone, and it last a life time. IT was real. But it’s always prettier in dream and fantasy than in reality. I’ve had a few firs dates that was so magical, with ones that I thought I would spend my eternity with, but rocked with nothing but deal breaker on the second or third date. Indeed, reality is never that easy to take. People always want what they can’t have, especially so in relationship. One that haunt you a life time, is always the one that get away. For me, I still wondering where life would lead me, if only I mustered the courage to exchange phone number at that party two years ago. But does that mean the feelings I have in the past two years with others were untrue? If I didn’t meet my ex’s where would I be now? If I did took the courage and get to know that guy I was so deeply connected, would things really be different? Especially I don’t even remember what he looks like, what’s his name. Just know that being around him, I felt comfortable, I felt found. Would there really be something developed then, which mean everything I live now is not what it meant to be? I guess it’s an answer would never know.

2006-10-26T01:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Rob has injured his knee with torn meniscus, which require surgery. He's been on painfuler to ease pain until his surgery day.... He's pretty pissed about it. We had brunch @ a place on Solano, and it was heavenly brunch food. yum. I hosted Vanessa's b-day @ my place, but she grown tired before anyone else did

So I called in to tell Cingular that I'm dropping it as my service provider, like it dopped my calls all the time. This the 3rd time I called to cancel ATT Cingular. My contract is up, I'm free to switch. AT&T was my first cell phone in 2000, I dropped it to Sprint Like back in 2002 when I dopped Sprint, it offered me $150 credit. In 2004 when I dropped Cingular and back to AT&T wireless, it offered me $200 after I already called and got my new phone, only found AT&T merged with Cingular 3 months later and back to Cingular. So this time I called Cingular two weeks ahead to schedule account closing, they are bargainning with me again to keep me around. I was offered $200 credit, so I got a new phone, Cingular 8125 pocket PC for free!!! It has wifi 802.11b/g, camera and camcorder, internet explorer, i don't know why it also has MS Word, Excel and Powerpoint, like I would ever do speadsheet on it?!? The media player allow me to even upload my favorite music, and video clip. And Cingular also offered extra 200 minutes per month. So I gave in and extended the contract. otherwise I'll drop it for the 3rd time, well, next time when my contract is up.

I'm so excited about the new book and film "Hannibal Rising" pre-quel to Silence of the Lamb and its trilogy. Gaspard Ulliel, one of my favorite French actor is in the lead. I'm surprise he speaks English. Here are some of the new photos about the film

Dr. Hannibal in his teen years learning his appetite for new flesh...

Gong Li from Miami Vice plays Lady Murasaki, Hannibal's aunt.

Looks like young Dr. Hannibal Lecter is ready to eat again...

Gaspard Ulliel looks so innocent, don't you just love him as Dr. Hannibal??? You just wanna swallow him, although his character in the film will swallow you...

Anyhow, so excited about Halloween coming up !!!. w phone, only found AT&T merged with Cingular 3 months later and back to

2006-10-16T00:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Autumn is passing away @ a faster pace than i expected. There was fleet week 2 weekend ago. Lot of young sailor along the waterfront looking for things to do, places to do, clubs to hit. Rob & I had dinner with David and then view the firework along embarcaderro.
(thanks David for sending the pic to my cell.
We went to Ryan's BBQ the past Saturday in GGP. It last much longer than I expected, til dark. Then we went to see 'Man of the Year' then to Hazel birthday at Roccapulco.

We watched the German film 'Napola' that set during the third reich, the movie has tragic ending where one of the lead character drown and freeze himself in the lake rather than yield to his peer and become member of SS troup, in the time where suicide was the only way out of the evilness aroun him.

Yesterday in the Sunday service, the horrible news was shared. Bill, a cheerful member of our congregation, a proactive, enthusiastic, involving and seem to be an optimist whom I've seem every week in the past 3 1/2 years, has commited suicide on Monday. He is the last person I'll would suspect to be haunted by such tragedy. He's always smiling, active, sucessful career, loving family, yet life took a unknown toll on him that we could not understand. Goobye, Bill, may you finally found peace in the life after...

As a fan of French actor Gaspard Ulliel, I watched the film 'Le Dernier Jour' with a wonderful performance from him. Except the ending, where his character commited suicide after found the truth of his birth. The topic of suicide has surfaced three times in the past weekend. Which made me wonder the just cause of such action. Though I'm in no position to judge such behavior, with two hospitalization records of my own. But when is it can you truely say the action would bring a sense of closure to the life? What made a German youth's opposition to third reich regime more acceptable to a confused Fench teen who was too vulnerable upon discover the truth about his birth; and who's right is it, to determine the salvation of a valueble member of the community and congregation by his last moment on earth? Historically, Roman legionaire view suicide as cowardly, yet Japanese samurai praise it as an honorable dignified end. When is it acceptable, and when is it condemnable? Can we judge someone for how they chose their path in leaving the world? I personally known sometime, this bahvior is an act on impulse. A window of chance was open, and one was compelsed by his instinct to act out. Outcome may be uncertain, but is human biological programed with such function and behavior if spiritual institution damns it? Who is it to truely judge??? I guess these questions will never be answered... We will never understand the reason or logic behind such phenomenon/action.

2006-10-03T18:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

So I guess autumn is here... Since my return to the bay area, it has been relatively calm, no wind. The return of summer fog pattern blow up the bay again in the last 5 days of Sept, which allow to go out windsurf for one (hopefully not last) time.

The past 3 weekends been super busy, we celebrated my friend Ryan's b-day with private louge area in Medjool a week after mine b-day dinner. Then went down to Palm Springs the previous weekend because bf need to pick up a kitten from his friend. The new kitten has been relatively well adjusted, not so much as the old cat seem to hiss at him and somewhat itimidated by the presence of another cat. Palm Springs was hottttt... Besides the living desert zoo & garden, we spent most of time in door and mall with a/c. I'm so glad I don't live in desert.

I went camping at Manresa, south of Santa Cruz the weekend just past. This is the last camping trip of the year before winter and day light savings time ends. But I rushed back just in time to go to the Castro Street Fair, had brunch @ Tangerine, looking at all kind of arts and craps (crafts), spent my money on things I don't need... yep, ur typical street fair. I then noticed, October is already here. Halloween is just around corner. Damn, this year went by awefully fast. It's either that or I'm getting too old... My last 3 weekends of this month is already booked, as well as the 1st and 2nd weekends of November. Jes, I need another vacation away from my social obligation, escape from my friends :P

2006-09-17T21:21:00.000-07:00

So, 19 hours after I gt off the plane, Rob took me out for dinner in Mission after I was away for so long. It was a place called Maverick, which we had toruble finding. Then we finally found it, except the sign said 'erick' without 'Ma'. MY sleeping pattern was still screw up, jetlag and I was very disoriented. So Rob lead me into the restaurant, suddenly "Surprise!!! Happy Birthday!!!" I was like "uh"?!? That's when I realized that my friends wre already seated there waiting for me. It was not just a surprise, but also a shock. Ryan, Rico, Tiffany, Mike, Ayelette, Daniel, Jason, Amy, Eric & Tai truely touched me with the surprise birthday dinner party. Maverick even printed out the birthday greeting on the menu, I'm so touched!!!

I was in Berlin on my actually birthday. The people I traveled with greeted me from morning til afternoon. I kind of wanted to keep it confidencial (I told myself I'm not gonna celebrated more b-day after 24, but Laura let out the word, actually she boradcasted out the word, how embarrasing :P). So that night they bought me drinks at Generator Bar, where a large crowd of kid 14-15 years old hang out, that sure made me feel acient on my b-day and I'm like a decade older. So then we went to Heckecher Market neighborhood. Darren, Hondo, Chris, Jon, Mark, his g/f, Catherine, Cindy, Anna, Jo, Robin, & I made our way over on S-Buhn, found a low key bar to hang out, where crowd are actually adult rather than kids. (a weeek earlier when we were in Prague, we went to a 5 story gigantic night club, where some kids are as young as 11 or 12, median age was like 15, that sure made me felt like an pedophile).

The next day, after the surprised b-day dinner, Rob surpsied me again, by taking me to the luxury spa at Hotel Vitale, across from the ferry building & top restaurant Boulevard. We had a bath ritual in the Bamboo garden tub with cucumbers covering our eyes and citric for our months, rose petals around. Then we had a side by side aroma therapy massage with bay bridge view.

Below are pics from the site, which is really what we get. Unlike McDonald menu, the pictures looks nothing like what you get.
http://www.hotelvitale.com/hotel/tours.php

After the dinner, he took me to dinner at Oola, it was such an amazing b-day ligt from an amazing bf.

2006-09-12T23:52:00.000-07:00

Once again I found my self in one of the most cosmopolitan city in europe. Though I've already been on top of tv tower and Beliner Dome, Reichstags dome is another high point in the city to visit.
Reichstags, once the Arena of Adolf Hitlor himself, now seat the German Parlement.

I still find view from Berliner Dome to be more impressive. Brandenburg Gate is right next by. It was once caught in no man's zone between the two Berlin Wall. After the wall fall, it's now a major tourist attraction.

Check point Charlie once gaurd the human traffic in and out of the east & west Berlin, is now nothing more than anothe intersection

Off course, the land where that crazy guy ended his own life is now a courtyard of apartment complex. Hitler's grave is now popular place for pet owner to bring their dog to take shit.

The remain of the wall has nothing much left but place for graffiti

The Jewish Victim Memorial is a momument that suppose to mimic the feeling of victim during holocaust.

Pergamon Museum is name for the Persian Pergamon Altar the German moved entire back to Berlin and housed here.

it also have the Gate of ancient city of Babylon where Alexdander the Great once marched through.

This is near the Hugonut church museum.

2006-09-08T14:24:00.000-07:00

Warsaw is a city with a tragic past from the German occupation, 85% of the city was burn to rabble and rebuilt. Over 200,000 Polish died (includes Polish Jews) in the uprising of '44 fought against the Germans. The little insurgent is a tribute to the childrens fought in the uprising, most of them are 13, 14, some as young as 5.

The Palace of Culture is a gift from Stalin to Poland, which control the Polish state til the late 80s.

The Old Town was rebuilt from scrap from sketches after WWII

The birth place of Chopin, the beloved son of Warsaw, who has his heart sent back to Poland after his death

I attended a concert at a palace in Warsaw

Dinner@ Warsaw was while reasonable priced.

2006-09-08T14:19:00.000-07:00

Today I had a stressful visit to Aschweitz, it is a visit I'll never forget. It is a testament to the horrofying crime that the Nazi has committed

The camp leave an errie feeling that chill straight into my spine, and its frightening atmosphere haunts.

Massive inhuman treatment was done to the prisoner of the camp...

Birkenau, also know as Auschweitz 2, is the most massive site, that is just horrifying .

2006-09-03T14:05:00.000-07:00

So this is a Krak city, with Krak Motel (see my previous blog), Krak auto, Krak everything...

Chris, who I've been sharing room on this trip the past two week, was so drunk last night when he went to Fusion Bar in Krakow. In fact, he still is this morning, he actually fall asleep while siting at the old Jewish Ghetto square

he was not even at the hangover stage yet, which come later.

This is Krak Castle..

and then we went to the salt mine that's 300 meters (1,200 Ft below the ground). Huge place.

and had dinner back at the old town square, I ordered a Veggie pancake which looks and taste like a bad enchilada...eww... Polish are somewhat wierd, they play Santana songs and sing "don't cry for me Argentina" with sevral Taqueria in main city aquare, listen to "Hotel Calofrnia" and make Veggie pancake like Enchilada... go figure...

2006-09-02T12:13:00.001-07:00

This is Budapest castle, which is really cool

Budapest is a nice cool Bohemian Town. It also has a decent night life. Though I still like Vienna much better. So today, I went through Slovakia, and now in the city with most Krak... (hahaha).

and there's a Krak motel in Krakow

This is Slovakia, where the movie 'hostel took place

and Budapest

2006-09-01T07:30:00.000-07:00

Prague was kinda a dissapointing, it's old, and dirty, and ewww. Most people I've talked to like Budapest better than Prague. The club I went to were mostly young KIDS!! Many are 11 or 12 years old, taking shots and drinking, the medium age was like 15. I felt like a pedophile in that club. It was huge though, 5 floors, multiple DJ. Anyhow, under obligation, I have to post a pic. I also posted two more pic in blog. MY laptop died on me and the hotel want outrageous amount for wifi how stupid is that???
Oh Yeah, I forgot about the Vienna pic, which includes a nice dinner @ Schonnber Palace (Oh ya). & a nice dinner & concert. So far, Vienna i my favorite city.

Yep, I'm in Budapest, for as weird as the city may sound.....

Here's the picture from Prague & Vienna, that's so freakish....

Prague is quite dissapointing.... But just about everyone love prague, so I have to posts a few pics

2006-08-28T09:09:00.000-07:00

I have arrived in Prague today, I was in Dresden this morning.
it's been quite a trip. Numberous pictures and clips.

2006-08-22T11:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
In the past two years, after first start blogging @ DownELink, I've been documenting my my life in MySpace. The social pre-occupation has mostly kept me in a mostly Bi-Weekly manner. I though there's a need to merged the three blogs I've kept in DownELink, MySpace, & Xanga into one site for the convenience of access.

DownELink has been a witness to my social obligation, myspace a journal to my web friends and update, while xanga has been the stories of my deepest inner thoughts, in which my Alias is almost unknown to most people.

I've lead an extraordinary life, or so told by my various psychiatrists in the past 9 years. Indeed, I've accomplished the incredible, through the unbelievable, walk out of the horroble, visited to the memorable, but vast majority of my decision are quite arguable. So where do I go from here, and where life is leading me to? I guess only time would tell.